Burnt Toast

I love weddings.  Always have.  There wasn't much about my wedding that I can complain about.  I loved it.  Overall, I was overwhelmingly pleased with all but one or two minor details, the first being when our DJ took a break to sit down to dinner and elected to play a compilation cd of smooth 80's jazz.  Seeing as the music was one of the few things I had painstakingly slaved over, and each and every song had been a sentimental one, handpicked especially by Hubby and me, the smooth 80's jazz really came out of left field.  We had to put a stop to it!  And we did.  It was my one borderline Bridezilla moment, and I do not regret it.  As a matter of fact, the smooth jazz incident still sort of chaps my ass.

The only other mishap, if we're excluding the part when my cousin and Hubby's cousin very nearly came to drunken fisticuffs after the reception (good times!), had to have been the speech delivered by our best man, Mike.

Was it the myriad pot references that made Mike's toast such a festering, shit-scented, train wreck?  (I can still recall him mentioning something about "the smoke...and the haze...")

Or perhaps it could have been when he spoke the following: "Brian and Sarah met at the Berklee Cafeteria, and had relations shortly after."

Yes, he uttered those words in front of my GRANDMOTHER.  And Hubby's Grandmother and Grampy.  And the other 127 guests, I suppose, now that we're counting.  (Of course, I'm fairly certain Mike thinks the term relations actually means relationship.  But it doesn't.  Sadly.)

I had forgotten just how unfortunate it was, had likely blocked it all out, when a friend of a friend of ours was introduced to us and asked, "Oh my God!  Was it YOUR wedding where the Italian guy made that speech?"

It was.

I can't even tell you that this speech was the result of nerves or improvisation; no, it had been carefully written out, edited, even- with notes scribbled in the margins.  It was entirely premeditated, amazingly, which somehow makes the whole thing all the more disturbing.  (Originally I had been under the impression that this speech had been ad-libbed.  Not so.)

We never mentioned it to Mike.  Only once did I let it slip, some two years later, over a pitcher of beer(s) at the Bohemian Beer Garden.  I remember Mike's eyes widened in shock and it was then that I realized that he honestly believed he'd given a great speech.  I did my best to backtrack and tell him what a nice job he'd done, but by then it was way too late.  (Plus, I'd already mentioned to his fiance how the wedding planner told us the soups went cold due to the length of said speech.  Hiccup.  Woopsie.)

I was casually hoping for a little retribution last summer when Mike tied the knot in a lavish Long Island ceremony, but no dice.  No, his best man Anthony gave a sweet, heartwarming speech.  He did, of course, make mention that over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and I suppose the room did go a little quiet, and Anthony did sort of cough and look embarrassed for a moment.  But that was his only misstep, and it was a mild one at that.  But still, it was enough to make me smile, deep in the caverns of my bitter little heart.

But Mike was and is our best man, and I often give him credit for bringing Hubby and I together in the first place.  If it wasn't for him, after all, we never would've met at the Berklee Cafe, twelve long years ago this Sunday; and we certainly never would have had relations shortly thereafter.  (Dear Lord, that last bit still makes me cringe.)

xoxo

Comments

[Weinerdog]

Oh, Mike with the Haircut!

[the odd broad]

Mike with the haircut gave the most bogus speech ever.

[Weinerdog]

That's because he's Mike with the haircut!

[Amy]

I don't remember a word of his speech. Probably because I was already 5 pineapple and vodkas deep. :)

[the odd broad]

That you were, my friend. But you had already done your job as bridesmaid extraordinaire (finding me a dress, the flower hair piece, the bridesmaid dresses...you even told the Commish's mother when she was applying my blush too heavily on one side!)...it was time to get a little tipsy! xoxo