The Accidental Carnivore (or "Pork You")

As you may have heard me already mention, on September 1st I decided to give up meat.  Well, actually, I tried to become Vegan and succeeded for a good two weeks, but there are times when I desperately hanker for a hunk of cheese.  (So I've eaten a bit of feta.  And what's homemade pesto without the parmesan?)

I've come down with the flu twice since this experiment began, and after talking to two long-term vegetarians who recently began eating fish, I decided that maybe I should give it a try as well.  (Making me more of a Pescatarian?)  I've eaten shrimp twice and one night we baked some cod.  I've never particularly liked fish, but I liked it that night, because I was a woman on the edge. 

I want to be clear though: I've eaten no red meat, or milk, or butter; no chicken stock, even, which I probably consider to be the most difficult staple to do without.  There have been no evenings filled with roasted pork tenderloin, no Thai basil chicken.  Mashed potatoes certainly don't taste the same without milk, but you won't find me adding any to my spuds.  No siree, Barbara. 

This is something I've taken very seriously.  Nobody can believe I've lasted this long, least of all myself.  Just yesterday, in fact, I privately marveled at how amazing it was that I hadn't eaten chicken, pork, or beef since the start of September.  Pretty freaking monumental, if I do say so myself.  (Smug-e-ty smug smug smug.  Smug as a bug in a rug.)

I plopped down on the couch next to Hubby and proceeded to watch Ina Garten grill beef sliders.  (Oh, I haven't given up watching other people prepare meat, masochist that I am.)  I continue to lust after meat.  Even as I mentally replay the image of those poor chickens being sent to the slaughter in the PETA video, it still can't totally curb my desire to bake them in a pot pie.  Old instincts die hard, I suppose.

Beef sliders.  Beef sliders covered in melted cheese.  They looked nice.  Real nice.  And then it hit me.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was as if someone had dropped a cow on me.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!"

I gasped in horror and covered my mouth with my hands.  I stared blankly at my husband, unable to utter another word.  (Yes, it was all very dramatic and musical theatre but what do you want from me?)

"What?  What's the matter?  What is it?"

It would be a good forty seconds before I could spit it out, and even then I didn't want to say it.  Because if I said it, then it would be true.  And it couldn't be true, although I knew there was no denying it. 

"I FUCKING ATE MEAT YESTERDAY."

Mother f*cker.  Reader, it was true.  Something about those mini sliders had jogged my memory.  I was flabbergasted.  I'd fallen off the wagon, and hadn't even realized! 

Sliders.  The day prior was the Halloween party at work, and I was in charge of it.  Sliders were on the menu; cute little sliders with tiny buns and little tomato slices.  My mom was in town and she and Sissy brought Lukey the Wonder Nephew to the party.  (He was the cutest damn cowboy you ever did see, complete with John Wayne swagger.)  I'd been quite busy all day; all week, for that matter.  At one point I made a plate up for Lukey with a chicken finger, mini pizza and a pig in a blanket.  Our little cowboy went straight for the pizza. 

And that's when it happened.  Like a dream, I can now clearly remember reaching for that chicken finger, and taking one bite, then another.  A minute later, without even being aware, I mechanically popped that frigging mini wiener right into my piehole.  I feel I should mention, I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY!  And by that time both bits of food were stone cold and therefore not very tasty.  Neither my mother nor my sister thought anything of it, and I didn't either, until the next day at 2:00 pm when I watched the Barefoot Contessa get her grilling on.

Am I a complete nut job?  Who falls off the wagon without noticing?  Is this something people do?  Should I be nervous?  Is my subconscious so starved for pork and poultry that I would accidentally consume it?  Or was I so preoccupied by work duties that I momentarily became a nervous eater? 

If I am to fall off the wagon, I'd like the act to be pre-meditated.  I'd like it to be a fully conscious decision.  I'd like the meal to be...really effing delicious.  Truly worth it, you know?  Not a goddamn mini wiener and a cold chicken finger!

When I went back to Sissy's house that night I even complained that there was nothing for me to eat.  (Because I couldn't eat meat.)  Even that night, when I got home, I remarked to Hubby that the only thing I'd had to eat that day was a crappy slice of pizza.  I really, truly believed this was so.  I reheated some pasta puttenesca, devoured it, drank a glass of wine and promptly fell asleep.

I must be mental.  Do I have early onset Alzheimer's or something?  And here I'd been acting all high and mighty for forgoing eggs and chicken stock when I'd already tumbled head first off the chuck wagon!  And furthermore, I didn't even get to enjoy it! 

If that's not a kick to the balls then I don't know what is.

Poor little chicken.  Poor little piggie.  I'm really very sorry.  I honestly didn't mean to eat you.  xoxo

Comments

[Jen]

Sarah! That sucks! And for a crappy piece of meat I agree. You needed a luscious steak with some au jus to top it off, mix w/veggies! Do you think you'll be a vegeterian forever?

[the odd broad]

Ooooooh au jus! I dream of au jus! Sigh.

I didn't really think this whole thing through when I decided to do it. But I do feel pretty good, minus the two times I've gotten sick! Do you think there are any health repurcussions to going vegetarian long term?

[Sissy]

I am soooo hungry for a nice hot dog right now. Meat....yuuuummmmm!

[Weinerdog]

I tried to be veg for week ( in a show of long distance solidarity for you). I fell off the wagon when I ate friggin' PORK FRIED RICE!!!!!!! Didn't even realize till it was too late. :(

[Keely]

Maybe it's like Lent...when you eat meat by accident during Lent, I'm pretty sure God forgives you. The chikie and piggie will forgive you too!

[the odd broad]

Mmmmm...PORK FRIED RICE!! Yum. And I bet you got it from that delicious place right near you...I can still taste those fried wontons!

I was also sort of thinking it was like the Lent thing, I would accidentally eat meat on Fridays all the time, without even realizing it. Maybe I'm not mental??!! (Wait, don't answer that!)

[Kathleen]

Don't stress about it. It happens to everyone!! The only thing that matters is the fact that you care. Most people just don't get it - or don't want to get it. It is nice to have someone write a blog about it and be so honest :)

PS I find this to be a nice alternative to chicken broth. They sell it at Whole Foods:

http://www.veganessentials.com/catalog/no-chicken-broth-by-imagine-organics.htm

[the odd broad]

Thanks Kathleen. And I will definitely try that broth! I've been searching for a good broth! I never realized just how many recipes called for chicken broth.

[Amy]

I love the new header. Kittie looks fabulous as a princess, but you may want to cut back on your green veggies... tee hee hee!

[the odd broad]

Thanks! Guess I'd better cut out the asparagus for awhile... ;)

Kittie is supposed to be Glinda, the good witch of the North, but I can't get her hair right! LOL