I've had a vexing pain in my stomach and back since about Sunday. At times it's been downright excruciating. Many of my loved ones are already extremely tired of hearing about it, and therefore I am telling you.
At first I suspected Saturday's late night wing ding dinner from Cappy's was the bastard culprit; but now I'm not so sure.
"Go to the doctor!" my mother advises. "Go to the doctor!" Hubby tells me. "You should really call the doctor," Sissy keeps saying.
I probably should. But I've been so busy lately. And it's really much more pleasurable to moan and speculate.
Today I went on WebMD. I don't know about you, but WebMD brings out the absolute worst in me. It awakens every paranoid, dreadful fear inside of me and invites them all out for drinks and tapas. Painful memories come flooding back, of the five years in my earliest twenties I spent uninsured and tearfully conducting self diagnosis over my keyboard. But still, I'm nothing if not a glutton for punishment, and so I decide to check my symptoms.
I select the upper abdomen as the source of my anguish. Muscle cramps and spasms? Check. Bloating? Check. Pain and discomfort? You betcha! Hey, this was fun!
Now to investigate my possible conditions. Chagas Disease certainly sounds like a likely and thrilling candidate, although it's caused primarily by blood sucking insects and is mainly contracted in Central and South America. For half a minute I wonder if any of those chicken wings may have contained a bloodsucking insect or two, but it does seem highly unlikely. Damn.
A peptic ulcer is a burning, aching, gnawing pain between the belly button and the breastbone. Some people even experience back pain. Sounds promising. Especially seeing as one of the causes can be the abuse of NSAIDs, and I do pop a fair amount of Advil tablets for my headaches. (Hardcore pill poppage; Elvis and Cilla style).
I have to admit, a peptic ulcer does sound kind of romantic. But perhaps I have Diverticulitis. Or intestinal Ischemia. Maybe even squamous cell carcinoma while I'm at it. I am suddenly compelled to click through a slide show of precancerous skin lesions and begin to feel lightheaded. It is only when I commence inspecting the freckles on my forearm that I realize I have been foiled...yet again.
Damn you, WebMD!!!!!