Girls with long noses shouldn't wear hoods.

Sometimes in life things happen that are too hurtful, too mortifying and uncomfortable to even acknowledge, let alone recall on the world wide web.

What can I say?  I'm a masochist.

Picture it: Southern California, October, 1999.  It was my Senior year of college and I'd flown across the country to see Hubby, my then boyfriend, who'd had to leave school and move back home.  We were twenty. 

When Hubby left Boston I was heartbroken, wretched, distracted, woebegone; you get the idea.  The Odd Broad was a total effing train wreck.  This boy was my soul mate!  And suddenly he was gone.  I couldn't get out to California fast enough!

It was my second to last day in California and we were taking a nice drive along the sunny PCH.  Back then Hubby was driving around in a red Dodge convertible whose top was perpetually down.  (We had no choice about the latter, I suppose, since the roof wouldn't really go back up.) 

Dear Reader, I'm just going to come out and say it:  I have a long nose.  I don't know why, really; my mother, father and sister certainly don't have long noses!  They have tiny baby noses.  I suppose my grandfather had a longish nose, however, and now it seems that I do, too.

But I digress.  Hubby and I zoomed along the highway, my hair whipping violently into my face, eyes and mouth.  I decided to pull up the hood on my light blue fleece sweatshirt.  (Can you see this story is heading somewhere painful?  Get out while you can!)

It happened in slow motion, really.  I can still see their car approaching us on the left, from behind.  Inside were about three or four large African-American teenage girls, and one of them called out:

"She has a big ass nose!"

Only she didn't say it like that; she said it more like: She has a Big (pause) Ass (dreadful pause) NOSE!  Her last word was sort of spat out in an awful, high pitched yelp.

What was that?

Oh Reader, I died a thousand deaths!  Had Hubby heard?  No, surely not!  He couldn't have heard!  Sweet Baby Jesus, if he had heard, then surely I would die!  There was no other alternative.

Barely moving my blue hooded head, I peered over at Hubby out of the corner of my eye, as inconspicuously as humanly possible.  He couldn't have heard.

Just then he picked up my hand, kissed it, and quietly whispered, "I love you baby."

Oh Christ Jesus!  He HAD heard them!!!!

The next day I flew back to Boston.  Hubby and I waited until the last possible moment to say goodbye.  I didn't want to leave.  He didn't want me to leave.  We exhibited massive amounts of public displays of affection.  As I walked tearfully down the jetway, a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach told me to turn around.  Later, Hubby would tell me that he'd hoped I might turn around.

I didn't turn around.  I boarded that plane back to the East coast, crying all the way.  I called Sissy from a payphone on my layover, still weepy.  "Oh, Sissy, I miss him so much!  Although I kind of don't know what I'm more sad about, leaving California, or the fact that a group of girls on the highway said I had a big ass nose!"

"Who said WHAT to you, now?" 

My older sister made me feel better in the special way that only she can.  (She has a gift.)  But she also strongly advised me to never wear hoods.

To the few poor souls on this planet with whom I'm closely intimate with, my life is an open book.  But Reader, I am not without ego.  It would be years and years before I'd muster the courage to actually mention this episode to my husband, and even then I was probably drunk at the time.  "Do you remember when..."

I'd never been sure, see?  Had he heard?  But oh, Hubby remembered.  And he'd definitely heard.  Sniff sniff. 

Girls with long noses shouldn't wear hoods.  It just doesn't look nice.

Comments

[Ma]

I know you wrote this post to make me smile, and it did, but you DO NOT HAVE A BIG NOSE! ok, it's not a little pug nose but not many of us have cute little pug noses - part of your charm is that you don't realize how beautiful you are - inside and out - love you, ma

[the odd broad]

Oh mommy, I love you too! So much xoxo

[Kathleen]

I have hated my own nose for forever and a day so it made me feel good that someone as pretty as you could actually have a similar thought. I have known you since Jr. High and never once thought you had a big nose! Your mom is right :-)

[Jen]

You too are so funny. Sarah with the angel voice, you are georgeous, and "Leeny" you make me laugh, I always felt so inferior. Hard to grow up when your own family says you were blessed with the "Monahan nose" and I don't think they ever meant that in a good way. Makes me think maybe I do want to change my name now, lol!

[Sissy]

I love that story....

[Amy]

I still don't understand and never will how anyone can think you have a big nose. Some people have obvious, huge noses, but you are not one of them my friend.

[Sissy]

The animated version of you has a lovely little pug nose. Wishful thinking?

[the odd broad]

Kathleen, you have a beautiful nose!!!!

And the same goes for you, Ms. Monahan!!!! You are both gorgeous. xoxo

[A, Sue]

Listen to your mother, she's absolutely right! you're a beautiful, creative, talented sweetie!! xoxox

[the odd broad]

Thanks Auntie Sue...Happy Mother's Day! xoxo

[Emma from Sydney]

I have nver met you or seen a photo of you, so I can't comment on the size of you nose. But you have a beautiful soul nad a wonderful sense of humour. And hoods are deeply unflattering to the vast majority of the population, and have never been in fashion anyway!

P.S. I have a "Roman" nose (that has also been commented on by complete strangers in the street, rude b@stards)which I just accidentally rubbed with chilli whilst eating my lunch down here in Sydney, so now I have a smokin' hot Roman nose!! Does that beat a big ass nose?

[the odd broad]

Emma, I've never seen a photo of you, either, but I'm quite certain that you AND your 'Roman' nose are smokin' hot indeed! xoxo