Soy un perdedor...

I don't mind spending time alone.  For the most part I enjoy my own company.  Except, of course, for the times when I don't.

I have friends who dine out alone, attend movies alone, and even travel to foreign countries alone.  These people, in my estimation, are professionals.  I am a mere novice, a fledgling, if you will.  I've read the books and understand the benefits of being able to spend time alone, it's just, after an afternoon of solitary confinement I long for another person to converse with.  Preferably someone other than myself.

For Valentine's day, a co-worker mentioned she was taking herself to Red Lobster and to see Phantom for the fourth time.  In the interest of being completely candid, I'm not going to lie: this information made me feel a little sad.  I wasn't particularly proud of myself for feeling this way.  Another acquaintance was going alone to the opera that evening, but for some reason her situation didn't make me feel as sad.  (It's hard to feel pity for someone who's wearing a lush mink coat on a Thursday afternoon.)  Plus, she told me, she knew people who were going and could meet up with them for a smoke at intermission and not feel like such a "loser." 

Come to think of it, I'd seen a play alone once before.  Hubby's friend had been staying with us for nearly two weeks and we lived in a studio apartment at the time.  I'd needed an escape and had gone to see Enchanted April on Broadway.  You know, you should really do that again, I told myself.  I noted this along with the Red Lobster, mink coat at the opera information and then promptly forgot about it.  That is, until two Saturdays ago.

You see, a friend from work is in an Off Broadway musical and offered to get me two complimentary tickets during the previews.  Now, Hubby had shown interest in going and several people from work had suggested we go as a group.  In addition to this, an ex-coworker whom I'm still friendly with had already enthusiastically agreed to go with me. 

This was all neither here nor there, because instead I went off on my own and mentioned to my friend Vanessa that if she liked we could go together for free.  Did Saturday work for her?  It did.  It was a date!  My friend arranged for me to receive his two free tickets for Saturday's show.  I felt a little naughty for blowing off my co-workers, but I got over it.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon, when Vanessa informed me that she could not attend after all, since her family was in town and had decided to stay an extra night.  Her tone was curiously casual, cheerful even.  (It was really a pity I was going to have to kill her.)

Shit!  What to do now?  I had to pick up the tickets at seven, which meant I should probably be ready to leave by six.  I could find someone in less than four hours, couldn't I?  Hubby wasn't an option, since he was working.  Incidentally, anyone who ever said being married guarantees you a date on a Saturday night was lying.  It doesn't.  Thinking on my toes, I immediately contacted my friend Jamie, who wanted to go but couldn't.  My friend Karen was working a double.  On a hopeful whim I asked Claudia, who just happened to be visiting the city this weekend, but she wouldn't be in until late that evening. 

Though I tried to suppress it, desperation was beginning to take up residence in my panicky little heart.  I had coworkers who definitely wanted to go, but I didn't have their phone numbers.  And Gina, the person I'd made original plans to see the show with, was in Rome that week with her boyfriend.  My sister told me she'd like very much to go with me, but she lives in Boston.  This was comforting but not very helpful.   

Would I really have to go to this thing alone? 

I began to flail.  I made several more feeble, half hearted attempts before coming to the realization that I would not only be wasting the comp ticket, but I would indeed be attending...alone.  I'm not sure which bothered me more.  At least I wouldn't be eating at Red Lobster.  Speaking of Red Lobster...oh dear Lord, things had really come full circle!  Who was feeling sorry for who now?

It was around this time that I started to play the "if only" game.  As in, if only I'd held off and waited, there would have been a myriad of people to go with!  Hundreds, thousands maybe!  (Or perhaps just one.)  If only I still lived in Boston, then there would be people to take.  I began to reflect upon those newer friends who'd tried time after time to reach out to me, all in vain.  If only I'd been more receptive, if only I'd gone out of my comfort zone and said yes, perhaps I'd be able to call one of them right now. 

The irony is, this is exactly the kind of situation I would never willingly get myself into, not in a million years!  In fact, I rarely initiate plans with people for this very reason.  I'm also slow to accept offers, to avoid having to bail at the last minute.  Actually, I'd just had to bail less than a week ago on Karen's birthday, because I'd been very sick...

Karma.  It's what's for dinner.

My situation was bleak.  I called my mother, who listened with a sympathetic ear.  She commiserated with me and assured me repeatedly that I was not a loser.  I was merely in an awkward, uncontrollable position.  We had a few laughs and I felt better. 

Five minutes after I hung up, the phone rang again.  It was Ma.  "I can't get that Beatles song out of my head.  You know: I'm a Loser..."  Hardy har har.  Thanks Mommy.

I put on my black pants, fresh from the cleaners.  They'd gotten the gum out of the bum for me, which was nice.  By some cruel twist of fate I was having an excellent hair day.  The doctor had even allowed me to wear contact lenses for the first time in ages.  As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror I looked down at Kittie, who was curled up on the lid of the toilet seat.  "Hey Kittie, wanna see a musical tonight?"  Even my cat didn't want to go.

I was famished.  Should I take myself out for dinner?  Surely I could order myself a glass of wine, relax and feel welcomed by the universe?  Instead I opted to get myself a slice of pizza on the way to the subway.  "Do you want me to heat this up?"  The girl behind the counter asked, momentarily putting down her cell phone.  "Nah, it's ok."  (Cold pizza for you, loser!  an evil internal voice cackled.  I told it to fuck off.)  I ate on the subway, surrounded by hand holding couples, my bitterness quadrupling with every minute.

How did I get myself into this pathetic situation?  They say true character is revealed in moments such as this.  In my defense, I did try and make the best of it, but since I didn't exactly choose to be in this predicament I allowed myself some elbow room.  After all, I'd been to see a play alone before, but at the time it had been my choice.  This particular solitary activity had been thrust upon me.  If I'd had my way, at that very moment I'd be curled up on the couch with Kittie watching What Not To Wear.

Hey, hadn't I just said I should see a play alone?  I had.  Irony.  It's a real bitch.

The play was marvelous.  My friend was amazing!  Hubby got out of work fifteen minutes after the curtain fell and we met up at home and ordered Italian.  Days later, I attempted to relay this tale to my friend and explain why the ticket had gone to waste.  I tried to highlight the hilarity of the situation, but my story mostly came out fragmented, causing me appear partially incoherent, friendless and sad.  Yes!

My lesson learned?  Be careful what you ask for because there's a good chance you'll get it.  Also, never be too quick to feel "sorry" for someone.  You may very well end up in their exact same position, nibbling cold pizza, inviting your cat to the theater on a Saturday night.  XOXO

Comments

[Ma]

Did you have to bring up my little singalong? Thank God I'm not in the running for Mother of the Year...I love you my little loser, oops, I mean lovebug!

[The Odd Broad]

Love you too, Mommy xoxo

[Weinerdog]

Yes my tone was carefree, cavalier even.
Why you ask? Well I'll tell you.
My nosy cousin was standing right next to me and watching my every facial expression.
She then asked if I was mad beacuse I couldn't go to the play, I of course lied and said no.

I was all set to let wild rumpus begin ( so to speak)and then I get sabotaged!!!!!

[The Odd Broad]

Oh Laverne! You know I still love you xoxo

[Weinerdog]

I know Shirl!
I love you too!
xoxo
Laverne De Fazio