Happy Holidays, Dear Reader! Over the years, there are several things I've learned about the holiday season that I feel I should impart to you...
1. Choose your carols with care: Please, for the love of God, don't continue to sing the opening line to John and Yoko's "Happy Christmas" while your parents are in the middle of a heated argument and you're all riding together in the car. ("So this is Christmas...") Curiously, I've found this song can be quite instigating when sung in an ironic manner. At the time it may seem like an irresistibly funny thing to do, but it's just not a good idea. Unless, of course, you want to be the reason your sweet mother drops an F bomb on The Baby Jesus' birthday. (Sorry, Mommy)
2. Self help can sometimes hurt, especially when given in gift form: A Deepak Chopra page a day calendar is never a good choice for Dad. Actually, I think it's probably safe to assume that self help material of any kind is off limits. Especially if the gift giver happens to be a self righteous 18 year old. And I do speak from experience: my own poor gift choices helped lead up to what is now referred to in my family as 1997's Christmas That Wasn't. Well, my page a day and I can't actually take full credit for it; there were many different factors involved, and consequently many tears.
I still remember Sissy calling over to my Auntie Donna's house late that Christmas morning. Christmas had been called off over there, too. You see, my teenaged cousins had slept too late and wouldn't come down to open their gifts, causing my Aunt to spin into a terrible menopausal frenzy. (Something to do with ungrateful, lazy children.) When Sissy called over there my cousin Michael picked up the phone and their conversation went something like this:
Sissy: "Where is everyone?"
Michael: "Over Auntie Kim's."
Sissy: "What's going on over there?"
Michael: "Christmas."
In the end, my Mother and Auntie Donna chose to eat dinner away from their ungrateful families while the rest of us tried to get on with the celebrating. My sister later framed the picture of her and I standing in front of the tree, red eyed, posing with one of the very same self help books that helped instigate a Christmas that would go down in infamy. If I remember correctly, it was a book about bowls. How they were empty and should be filled with...oh I don't know, it was probably on sale. I'd even gotten her the accompanying bowl journal, too.
3. Don't stress yourself out or go into debt buying extra thoughtful gifts for every Tom, Dick, and Harriet you know: They will only expect you to continue doing so year after year and, let's face it, who has the time? It's a merry go round you should never get onto. One year you're giving fabulous, thoughtful presents and the next year you're giving socks. Or nuts in a plastic cup. It's too large a leap; just say no and stick with something more moderate. Something that won't attract too much attention yet isn't too crappy.
4. Respect your elders: Do not encourage your father when he makes observations like the following, about his mother, your grandmother: "She could depress a hyena." This is not Christmassy kind of talk. (Sorry Gram.)
5. Think before you speak: Please don't tell your loving wife, "I already knew they wouldn't fit, I just bought them anyway." (My sister didn't take too kindly to that statement two Christmasses ago.)
If you and your loved ones follow these rules, you are certain to have a very successful, holly jolly Christmas. I believe this same theory may be applied to Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, too.
Happy Holidays!!
Love,
The Odd Broad
xoxo
Comments