I hope this never happens to you

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm accident prone.  There was the time I got dragged by a car in high school, the time a friend accidentally hit me in the head with a golf club at the driving range, and just the other day I turned to look at a fender bender and very nearly almost walked into a telephone pole. 

But sometimes it's just silly.

Two nights ago I did something I've never done before and in hindsight should probably not do again. 

The time was 2 am and my husband's incessant, chronic snoring was in the process of spiraling out of control.  I ransacked the nightstand in vain, but nary a nose strip was to be found.  I tried earplugs, I tried sleeping with a pillow on top of my head.  Then I tried both.  Mustering up an attitude of both tolerance and calm, I lovingly nudged my noisy soul mate and informed him he was terrorizing his wife.  "You hear that?  Hmmm?  YOU ARE TERRORIZING ME!" 

Hubby seemed somewhat repentant, but the cacophony commenced the second he closed his eyes.  I would almost admire this ability, if it wasn't barring my entrance to dreamland.

I lie awake on our comfy pillowtop mattress, wearily observing my brain as it ping ponged its thoughts back and forth.  I wondered if the universe wasn't trying to send me a message.  My inner Shirley MacLaine might ask if the snoring was the universe's way of telling me I needed to hear something, otherwise why else would it keep on happening?  Hmmm.  Do I need to be a better listener to my husband?  Do I literally need to hear him right now?

At the moment it seemed I was hearing him just fine.

Philosophical thoughts aside, in the end the only way to escape the ever increasing crescendo of snore was to place my pillow at the foot of our bed and sleep with my feet by my husband's face.  I hoped this wouldn't startle him, but I decided to take my chances.

Somehow it just hadn't occurred to me to remember that the foot of our bed is strictly Kittie's domain.  (That is, when she's not spooning me or trying to lay on top of me or taking up most of my side of the bed.)  She wasn't around that night, though, so she must've been snoozing on the couch.

Undisturbed, I drifted into a deep sleep.  This improvised arrangement worked nicely for a few hours, as it removed my ears from being directly in the line of fire. 

It was some time later when I awoke to a reality I will only describe as horrific: namely, my cat leaping up onto her usual spot on the bed, (where my head was, of course), her tiny paws landing directly on my face, gouging the inside of my bottom lip.  My reaction was as follows: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  SON OF A!!!!!!

Ouchie.  Oh Dear God, ouchie.  I stumbled to the bathroom.  There was blood.  I rinsed with expired hydrogen peroxide solution and went back to bed.  Two minutes later I realized the Fresh Direct van was waiting outside, which was what Kittie had been trying to alert us to.  I decided to let Hubby answer the door to receive the groceries.  After all, I was wounded.

Kittie remained blissfully unaware of the terrible pain she'd unknowingly inflicted.  She curled her furry little self up next to me for a cuddle, which did make me feel better.

Now, I'm a germophobe at the absolute best of times, but I'm really trying not to think of where that paw was hanging out prior to being inside my mouth.  But of course we all know the ugly answer to that question. 

Hey, wait a minute, is the universe trying to tell me I have a shitty mouth? 

I think I'll go have another rinse.

XOXO

Comments

[Amy]

Do you really think Kittie was trying to alert you to a van outside your apartment? Please say it ain't so!

[The Odd Broad]

It is most certainly true! She's a very bright cat.

Actually, they were knocking but we were sound asleep.

[Amy]

Ahhh, thank you for the clarification. From your post, Kittie seemed as though she recognized the Fresh Direct van outside on the street, that version I refuse to believe. However, I have witnessed Kittie meowing when someone is at the door, so I fully accept the new version.

[The Odd Broad]

Well, Kittie is the one who placed the order, so I did tell her she'd have to answer the door...

[Weinerdog]

Hydrogen Peroxide doesn't expire.

Does it?

[The Odd Broad]

You're totally right, it doesn't. I just checked. I'm mental. The bottle looks like it could be about five years old, though.

:)