Joining "a Cult"

I've been a journal keeper for about as long as I can remember.  These countless scribblings are the cringe inducing, disturbing culmination of my years here on this earth, and most days I think I should probably burn them.

The other day I was flipping through a journal from my Sophomore year of college when I happened across an entry most unfortunate.  The date was October the 31st, 1997.  The journal entry begins thusly, and I quote:

"So I had my huge epiphany 2 days ago to start performing up to my true potential + etc + so on.  Vanessa and I were discussing the matter of inner beauty and such when we were approached by a Dianetics man for a free "Personality" test.  We took it.  Here's where it turned into a big after school special."

And an after school special it surely was, Dear Reader.  Vanessa is a bosom friend of over ten years, the Laverne to my Shirley, if you will.  So it's quite fitting that our teenaged selves would wind up in a hairbrained scheme involving a cult. 

We were both pms-ing, I believe, and walking down Newbury Street discussing the unfairness of life and how misunderstood we were, in the way only pining, angst filled eighteen year olds can.  In short, we weren't feeling very "jovial".  This probably explains how two Catholic girls from Massachusetts fell prey to strange religious persuasion.

Once inside the Scientology center I remember sitting at a table and performing some kind of a puzzle, before taking a test with questions like:

"Do you feel you have family and friends who love you and support you?" 

I laughed bitterly and clenched my jaw as I circled "NO".

"Do you often feel alone and desperate?"

Yes!  Ya, that's it, I was alone!  I had nobody, man, nobody!

I chose to respond to all of the questions in a similar manner. 

Back to 1997, via the journal:

"The results of the test are not based on what they think of me, but of how I see myself.  She asked if I was on medication for depression + if I had experienced a great loss.  I see myself as nuts basically."

Reader, in my defense I was not and never have been on medication for depression (not that there's anything wrong with that) and thank God I've not experienced any losses too out of the ordinary for someone my age.  I've had a happy life, filled with family and friends who love me dearly.  I just...wasn't feeling the love that particular afternoon.

Apparently Vanessa wasn't, either.  They'd separated us, by the way.  I remember her telling me that in the end she'd broken down and started to cry a little.  They told her, "Your friend is joining, why don't you?"

The introductory class they got us both to sign up for was $35.  Luckily they accepted debit cards.  (Phew!)  I barely had $35 to my name, of course, but this was really going to be worth it, I could just feel it.  Mainly I was interested in the past life regression they had talked so much about.  (Isn't this what every normal teenager dreams about?)  A past life reading would reveal to me all the secrets of why I was the way I was: neurotic, repressed, and hormonal.  I could hardly wait!

A man in the lobby showed us his gigantic Scientology pinky ring and talked about "JT".  (John Travolta, I'm assuming.)  I remember finding this name dropping a bit peculiar, but who was I to judge?  We returned back to our dorms triumphantly, copiously laden with space aged paperbacks by the illustrious Mr. L. Ron Hubbard. 

Back to the journal:

"We basically decided to spend $35 to take a personal efficiency course + became Scientologists for almost an entire day.  Everyone freaked out and Dad was mad because I told him I don't try + this could teach me how."

(I realize that hindsight is 20/20, but this is not the thing to tell your father when he and your mother are investing their hard earned money in your $100,000 education.  Especially when you are being schooled in the science of ballet, drama and showtunes.)

I called Mom and Dad, practically bursting with excitement.  I was finally going to learn to be efficient!!  This would be my salvation!!  And I could totally still stay Catholic, that was no problem at all!!  Wasn't this all very, very exciting!!??

Their reaction?  My Dad wanted to drive to Boston that night to retrieve me.  And pull me out of school.  And lock me up in my childhood bedroom, perhaps.

My Mom's response?  Oh, she contacted the Boston Police and told them Scientologists had attempted to lure her daughter into a cult.  (Incidentally, this is the same woman who warned me not to get drugged at frat parties because she feared I'd get sold as a white slave to China.)

Of course, the police weren't able to help much, really.  After all, it wasn't as if I'd been kidnapped or anything.  On the contrary, I had gone completely of my own free will and stupidity.

A few days later, at the desperate urging of all who loved us, Vanessa and I were off to see the Scientologists to un-cult ourselves.  My level headed friend and roommate Amy accompanied us on our somber journey.  I can still see her face as she sat there in the waiting area wearing a bemused, I'm not joining your silly cult kind of face. 

Curiously, the Scientologists refused to refund our money unless we provided them with our social security numbers.  Vanessa did it, but my Mother became most hysterical so I decided it was best to let them keep the money.  The next day my Godmother generously sent me a check after making me swear on my Grandfather's grave that I would never return to the land of the creepy. 

The gratuitous self analysis marched on: 

November 5, 1997:  "Kathryn (my college voice teacher) said I'm concentrating on all the wrong things.  Like worrying about what people think about me.  She said the Dianetics people promised me optimism + success + no negativity- probably why I was so attracted to it."

Hmmm...you think?  Kathryn was always inviting me to embrace my negativity.  She seemed to want me to stop smiling so much.  I actually think I've mastered this art.  She would be extremely proud, I'm sure.

These days, I feel a pang in my chest whenever I hear about Katie (or Kate, as Tom calls her) Holmes.  She's not the only brunette Sagittarius Catholic actress you know to have fallen prey to Scientology.  (I'm the other one, by the way.)

Below please find the rantings of a teenaged lunatic:

xoxo

PS- That Halloween was the night I threw up on the steps of the student Union.  Miraculously, the vomit stayed there for almost an entire week.  Sadly, this was the last night I ever allowed myself to taste or smell Malibu rum.

Comments

[Stacey]

This is the best story I've ever heard... hands down. It's stories like this that make me miss you like a crazy person. Interestingly enough... my only experience with an attempt to recruit me into Scientology also involved a great deal of talk about John Travolta. I wonder if that is a chapter of the training manual of Crazy Cult Recruiter School. I think it would be called "Danny Zuko: How to convert the All American Catholic Girl". I'm glad that we were able to resist. I don't think all the Dolce and Gabbana in the world could make Katie feel whole again. =)

[Weinerdog]

Ah Youth!

I hope my name and soc. isn't on some damn list somwhere.

I maintain I just wanted to go to the fairy store and buy a ring that day, not join a cult!

xoxo
Xenu

[Amy]

I remember sitting there waiting for you as you begged for your soul back. Overly friendly people kept approaching me and there was a plaque on the wall with the Scientology commandments....one of them "Think about yourself before you think of others" (or something to that affect) I would have drank heavily as well that evening. Perfectly justified behavior (maybe not the puking on the stairway part, although it was fun to see it there everyday for weeks.) I miss college.

[The Odd Broad]

Seriously, I just received this email. These people certainly don't waste any time!

-----Original Message-----
From: p harrison
To: theoddbroad@gmail.com
Sent: Fri, 16 Nov 2007 1:59 pm
Subject: Your Blog

Hello!
Interesting adventure in visiting and enjoying a course at the Church of Scientology. It did appear that you got something from your course so I wanted to let you know that there are some free courses on line. I am sorry that you felt a need to pass along your parents view of our activities as I have been an active member for over 25 years with college students of my own.

I am very active in Youth for Human Rights International www.youthforhumanrights.org and the Foundation for a Drug Free World www.drugfreeworld.org and a tutoring center in Boston at www.bostonvolunteerministers.org. Please take a look at the work we do via these sites.

Here is the web address for the free courses and information about helping people without becoming a Scientologist yourself. You can also find Mr. Hubbard's books in the library if you really want to express your voice I suggest you continue your enlightment on the subject.

http://www.volunteerministers.org/train/

Best wishes,
Mrs. Harrison
Dianetics Foundation

[Weinerdog]

Dear God, They've Found us!!!!

[Amy]

The beauty of the internet....does she by any chance have your $35 dollars?

[Weinerdog]

If you feel like enlightening yourself I still have my books.

[Marianne]

ok, I'm calling the cops again!

[Karen]

I remember when this all happened the first time around. Sarah, just so no to Scientology!!!!