Proper Etiquette For A Rainy Day

I'm not quite certain where I'll be dwelling in the afterlife, but for the most part I try not to think about it.  All I know is hopefully it won't be down there.  You know, at that eternal barbecue we've all heard so much about?  (The one where there's never enough potato salad and the keg is always kicked?)

I've pondered it a bit, though, and have come to a few key conclusions, the first of which is: In my personal version of Hell it will always be raining and I will constantly be forced to walk down a narrow, overcrowded sidewalk while carrying a broken umbrella.  A mix of smooth jazz and Josh Grobin hits will be playing in my ipod and I will be made to walk behind an elderly person on a cell phone.

Seriously, though, have you ever attempted to wield an umbrella on a NYC sidewalk?  On a good day these sidewalks are a challenge, what with the slow walkers...the cell phone talkers...the crackberry users...

Why, just the other day a woman was walking down the subway stairs while reading a book!  For reals.  I nearly flung her.

I'll save my sidewalk/stair etiquette for another day, however, since today I am strictly discussing...

~Proper Umbrella Etiquette for a Rainy Day~

~For starters, why is it always the tiniest, slowest walkers who feel the need to hold those enormous golf umbrellas, smack dab in the center of the sidewalk?  I like to refer to these offenders as Sunday Walkers.  Please, do stay in your own lane, on the far right if you please, and allow people to pass you as needed.

~For the love of God, don't be a triple offender: If you're attempting to simultaneously dial someone's phone number, hold an umbrella, walk and take a drag off of your Marlboro Ultra, here's some advice for you: DON'T. 

We all know this feat simply cannot be accomplished.  Put your inner directional on, pull over, and save us all some effing aggravation.  The same goes for answering emails on your blackberry while walking.  Please don't make me have to fling you. 

~Now, I'm aware this is a radical concept, but if you're walking in one direction and I am walking towards you in the other, one of us is going have to raise our umbrella and the other will have to lower theirs.  I'm afraid it's one of the great inevitabilities of life, next to death, taxes and the rampant overexposure of Rachael Ray.  This doesn't seem like rocket science, yet apparently it is.

~By the same token, don't try to recklessly speed down the sidewalk while carrying an umbrella.  Walk responsibly.  Nobody needs to suffer injury because you hit the snooze button one too many times.

~Do not, I repeat, do not stand under the store awnings with your umbrella.  Save that space for the poor saps who are getting rained upon, you selfish pig!

Let's face it, though, if you're not evolved enough to politely wield an umbrella down a crowded sidewalk, here's a thought, buy a hooded raincoat, for frigg's sake!  (There's a sale on at Daffy's.)

xoxo

Comments

[Weinerdog]

You know the penguin may have had something in all those lethal umbrellas.

Imagine all the damage I could do if my umbrella sported rapid fire shooting action!
Or maybe if it just shot spit balls, that'd be cool too!

[The Odd Broad]

How about I get you an umbrella like that for your birthday?

[Weinerdog]

Fantastic! I'd Love it!

[The Odd Broad]

Of course, you may be arrested...